Will it control you, or is it possible to turn the flop on circumstance? I think people are a result of circumstances. People make decisions based on convenience and appeal under certain circumstances. Maybe something only happened because the circumstances were right. It hurts for me to think this way, but the more I think about it, this is the only conclusion I can draw. People are controlled by circumstances, She was controlled. It was convenient, nice, hot, fun, whatever. But it was all these things under the given circumstances. Now, they've changed, so its no longer all these things, so there's no longer an it... It is no more. It failed to be fun, exciting, everything, so it failed to exist. It was a product of circumstances. I hate that. I thought it was stronger than that. Guess not. I wish it would've been. I hope one day to find an it with a her thats stronger than that.
I wonder if I could pull a flop on the circumstances. I mean, I wonder if its possible. Can circumstances be a product of you, what you do, what you think? Can you create your own circumstances, instead of the circumstances creating you, what you are, what you think? Is it possible? I don't know, it will take some experimentation, maybe a lifetime's worth. Maybe, someday, I might be able to master circumstance, keep them on my side. Could things be different, if I could control the circumstances? Guess its better not to wonder, it will never be that way. Maybe in another life.
Will circumstances shape the life we all live, the way we think, the things we do, or can we create circumstances around us? Could we change a matter of circumstance into a matter of will?
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Friday, July 11, 2008
Vibe
I just watched the movie Vanishing Point. Good movie. Didn't see the beginning, but I read about it on Wikipedia. Good movie.
I've been getting this vibe lately, maybe things are culminating into something, maybe the haze is materializing into something discernable. Maybe I'm within fractions of millimeters of breaking the code. Maybe its just another thought in my spaghetti junction, million mile an hour, never-ending, never-stopping, ever-going, ever-pumping, ever-thinking brain. Could this be the white rabbit, maybe, probably not, but maybe. It just might be. I guess it's worth pursuing, cause it might be her. If not, its still worth pursuing, cause it passes the time, its an experience. After watchin' the movie, I realized the haze is turning into something red, green, yellow, orange, psycadellic... Its real beautiful, at least, in theory. I know it could never work, nobody would agree. They've tried it before, it failed. Ken thought he had something, but nobody picked up on it, they failed. I'm sure I will fail too, if I pursue. Maybe its best just to keep it to myself, use the idea, the feeling, the notion whenever possible, but to just keep it locked up, only allow it limited exposure. Ideas can be dangerous, time has proven this fact. Hopefully, this won't hurt anybody, just help people, hopefully a lot of people.
I think its all about love. Not making love, or being in love, but having love. I love a lot of people, my friends, relatives, my ex-girlfriend. I should love more people. I dropped this guy off tonight; gave him a ride from work to a hotel room 5 minutes away. I was real cranky the whole time, and really quite agitated that I had to drive 5 minutes out of my way just to help him out a little. Thats not right man, I owe that guy an apology, an apology for being a jerk. I only helped him cause I felt obligated, there was really no love there.
I tell a lot of people I love them, my relatives, I tell them all. I have never told her that I love her though. Always thought she would take it the wrong way. I wonder a lot if other people have a distinction between "I love you" and "I'm in love with you." I wonder about that a lot, because for me, the latter is a totally different, and scary animal. Unfamiliar territory, haven't broken that code yet, haven't even started really. I guess it doesn't matter now, its all over, I lost her, she's gone. She's still my friend I guess, and I still love her, that is, care enough for her to risk my life, if the opportunity ever arised; with God's blessing hopefully it never will...
But I think love is the thing i'm onto. The hippies, they were right about a few things. They were right about loving each other. I don't know about all the free love and everything like that, a little eccentric I guess, people don't react well to that type of thing. Like I said, I don't think its making love or being in love, but just having love. Having love for everybody. I'd love to be that way. Just like the Lord almighty, I would love to have love for everybody. I think part of it is making love, and at some point, part of it is being in love. That is, hopefully at some point...
On making love... I've been thinking about this a lot in the past couple of days; the mist is still there, but I think I've almost made up my mind on which exit to take, which way to go. Ask me tomorrow and I might have turned around, there's no telling. But right now, I'm feeling this way: I think there's nothing wrong with making love. Love is all good, when two people love each other, or just need the experience. But I think it has to be mutual, and more than physical, much more than just physical. It must be emotional as well. I don't think sex cuts the mustard. Right now I'm feeling that sex is almost lude and unneccessary. Now when I say having sex, I mean just the physical act, where there's no emotion attached. I define making love as sex with some emotional attachment, that comes from a variety of circumstances. I guess I'm a romantic; I'd just like to think that everything has a meaning, that everything means something. I'd like to think that when we made love it meant something. Maybe it didn't. Maybe it didn't to her, although it meant the world to me. That first kiss was just another one down for her, but for me, it was a breakthrough, a pair of nightvision goggles in the dark, a set of ears sensitive as a dogs'.
Maybe I think differently than other people, maybe I think differently than her. I guess so. Maybe she didn't love me. Although I never said it, I loved her, and still do, like the stars in the sky. Not that I was in love, but I had love. I wish more people would have love, real love.
Maybe i'm coming out of the fog, maybe its a new level of haziness I can't yet comprehend. I guess I will find out in due time, what I really decide to believe, and If I can find somebody who believes the same way...
I've been getting this vibe lately, maybe things are culminating into something, maybe the haze is materializing into something discernable. Maybe I'm within fractions of millimeters of breaking the code. Maybe its just another thought in my spaghetti junction, million mile an hour, never-ending, never-stopping, ever-going, ever-pumping, ever-thinking brain. Could this be the white rabbit, maybe, probably not, but maybe. It just might be. I guess it's worth pursuing, cause it might be her. If not, its still worth pursuing, cause it passes the time, its an experience. After watchin' the movie, I realized the haze is turning into something red, green, yellow, orange, psycadellic... Its real beautiful, at least, in theory. I know it could never work, nobody would agree. They've tried it before, it failed. Ken thought he had something, but nobody picked up on it, they failed. I'm sure I will fail too, if I pursue. Maybe its best just to keep it to myself, use the idea, the feeling, the notion whenever possible, but to just keep it locked up, only allow it limited exposure. Ideas can be dangerous, time has proven this fact. Hopefully, this won't hurt anybody, just help people, hopefully a lot of people.
I think its all about love. Not making love, or being in love, but having love. I love a lot of people, my friends, relatives, my ex-girlfriend. I should love more people. I dropped this guy off tonight; gave him a ride from work to a hotel room 5 minutes away. I was real cranky the whole time, and really quite agitated that I had to drive 5 minutes out of my way just to help him out a little. Thats not right man, I owe that guy an apology, an apology for being a jerk. I only helped him cause I felt obligated, there was really no love there.
I tell a lot of people I love them, my relatives, I tell them all. I have never told her that I love her though. Always thought she would take it the wrong way. I wonder a lot if other people have a distinction between "I love you" and "I'm in love with you." I wonder about that a lot, because for me, the latter is a totally different, and scary animal. Unfamiliar territory, haven't broken that code yet, haven't even started really. I guess it doesn't matter now, its all over, I lost her, she's gone. She's still my friend I guess, and I still love her, that is, care enough for her to risk my life, if the opportunity ever arised; with God's blessing hopefully it never will...
But I think love is the thing i'm onto. The hippies, they were right about a few things. They were right about loving each other. I don't know about all the free love and everything like that, a little eccentric I guess, people don't react well to that type of thing. Like I said, I don't think its making love or being in love, but just having love. Having love for everybody. I'd love to be that way. Just like the Lord almighty, I would love to have love for everybody. I think part of it is making love, and at some point, part of it is being in love. That is, hopefully at some point...
On making love... I've been thinking about this a lot in the past couple of days; the mist is still there, but I think I've almost made up my mind on which exit to take, which way to go. Ask me tomorrow and I might have turned around, there's no telling. But right now, I'm feeling this way: I think there's nothing wrong with making love. Love is all good, when two people love each other, or just need the experience. But I think it has to be mutual, and more than physical, much more than just physical. It must be emotional as well. I don't think sex cuts the mustard. Right now I'm feeling that sex is almost lude and unneccessary. Now when I say having sex, I mean just the physical act, where there's no emotion attached. I define making love as sex with some emotional attachment, that comes from a variety of circumstances. I guess I'm a romantic; I'd just like to think that everything has a meaning, that everything means something. I'd like to think that when we made love it meant something. Maybe it didn't. Maybe it didn't to her, although it meant the world to me. That first kiss was just another one down for her, but for me, it was a breakthrough, a pair of nightvision goggles in the dark, a set of ears sensitive as a dogs'.
Maybe I think differently than other people, maybe I think differently than her. I guess so. Maybe she didn't love me. Although I never said it, I loved her, and still do, like the stars in the sky. Not that I was in love, but I had love. I wish more people would have love, real love.
Maybe i'm coming out of the fog, maybe its a new level of haziness I can't yet comprehend. I guess I will find out in due time, what I really decide to believe, and If I can find somebody who believes the same way...
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