#*%@

Yes, I'm talking about the word. Probably the most powerful word in the English language. Its so powerful, yet so inviting. You want to say it, you really really want to. You hear it just about everyday, people saying it to other people, sometimes laughingly, other times with more serious intentions. It would feel so natural just to say it, just to spit it out, but I hesitate, I wait and I wait, because its not really true. I tell myself over and over it would be a critical mistake to say it now, while it's not really true. I must wait, wait till' it grows, wait until I'm absolutely certain its true to say it.

You know what I'm talking about??

It would feel so right, so natural, just to say "I love you." Just as a friendly goodbye. I'm tempted every single time, but every time I resist. I don't want to scare her, or be untruthful to myself, because I know it's not really true, not yet anyways... Hopefully someday it will be, maybe with her, maybe with somebody else. I don't know. Its not that I'm in love with her, but that I love her. I love her like I love my best friends, similar to the love I have for my sister. I care about her, maybe more than anybody on this world right now. Thats love, is it not? But I know I'm not in love, because the idea of marriage and spending my life with her still scares me. So I guess I love her, but I'm not in love with her, if that is even possible. I don't know much about these things, I'm what you might call a greenhorn. But I hope I get to say it to her someday, I really hope so...

You Can't Have Nothin'

Nobody ever knows what I mean when I say this. Maybe its a southern thing, or maybe its just a me thing, so let me explain real quick. It means when the world keeps beatin' you down, you can't get ahead no matter how hard you try. Everything you try to get, you are denied. You can't get anything. So no matter how hard you try, you can't have nothing, not even the smallest little thing.

I swear sometimes the world's out to get you. Maybe its God, maybe its just a streak of bad luck, I don't really know. All I know is I can't have nothin' right now. Everything has gone wrong, nothing seems good in the world. I've got one ray of sunshine, but she's so far away she's really faint now, can barely see her, even in the pitch black. It's hard sometimes to carry on. I don't mean I wanna kill myself or anything like that, but its just hard to keep the spirits up when it seems your being denied all the time. I try though, I try to keep my head up, and look at people with a smile. I try to be amiable and nice, even though most of the time now, people just been shootin' me down. It's just tough to have a winning attitude when winning aint even in sight. Winning aint even an option here. It would be a long shot to break even.

I guess I am a romantic, I just want things to work out, I idealize things too much. Say "what if" too much. I daydream too much. I torture myself with the little daydreams and what if's, but I can't help it in the least. I think about things too much, but I can't help it, I like thinking. I like analyzing, remembering, every detail, every feeling. I tried to recognize every detail so that I could remember it all, and I like thinking about it. But it burns, burns deep.

So right now I can't have nothin'. I'm sure some of yall have been there too, and it sucks, wouldn't you agree? But I know it will work itself out, somehow. You can't just have a bad streak like this forever... So I'll look up, see the sky, take a minute, and keep on moving.

Talk with an old friend

The other day I talked for a long time with an old friend. I haven't seen him in quite a while, and it was real good to talk to him again. But he told me one thing that really stuck. He told me he considered himself a romantic. I don't know why, but that stuck with me, and I've been thinking a lot about it. A romantic... he's a super nice guy, and he just wants things to work out. He wants to make the best of things. Wants people to get along, love each other. Wants to find love himself, wants to change things for the better in his own life. Just wants things to work out. I guess I'm the same way, I'd guess just about everybody is too, in some sense. This man is different though, he has dreams. He knows things will work out, just knows it.

I've been thinking a lot about that, mostly because I want things to work out too. Between me and her, I want them to work out. I'm pretty sure they will, I mean I'd like to think of it that way.

I think I'll go talk with my buddy again tonight, just see what he has to say, ya know. I might get something important out of it, ya never know.

I Miss Her

I'm missin' my baby,
Wishin I could play the blues,
Just so I could express how I feel.

You know I heard the other day that Blues is the only genre of music which is truly American. Some would say that is kinda sad, that the only thing the American's can invent musically is moping about how life is so bad. But really, I think the blues is beautiful. I love the harp (harmonica), and the raspy sound of the singers. I think the blues is really about overcoming hardship, not just expressing it. I love the blues.

Right now I got the blues,
The my baby's gone blues,
She's somewhere,
Doin something,
With someone,
But I aint there,
So I aint happy,
Maybe its too much to ask,
But I just wanna hold her.

I never realized how good it felt to hold her until she left. She's not gone for good, just far away for the summer. Her lips, she is so beautiful. Everything about her is beautiful. I told her that, that she was beautiful, and she just shook her head. I said, yea, true story, you are. I wonder if she remembers that, thinks about it as much as I do. I think about it all the time.

I wonder if it should concern me that she doesn't keep track of how long we've been dating. I guess a guy should be happy about that, no two month anniversaries or any bullshit like that. I am kinda happy, but I guess I just can't keep that little peep of pessimism out of my head. You try to kill it all off, but the stubborn little bastard sticks around. Always. But I think its going to be fine, I'm optimistic, but I think we will make it. I guess all I can do is hope. I trust her, she trusts me, I'm pretty sure. I hope we make it.