We should enjoy yourself in this short little time were given. No day is guaranteed, and tomorrow may never come. So it seems like everybody would be doing their best to just enjoy themselves, have a good time, love people, do things, have experiences, build onto who you are. But instead, people run around stressed out about things that don't even matter. I'm doing it right now. I'm studying for a test that I might not even be alive for tomorrow. Why?

Its not fun, so thats definitely not the reason. It's not going to help me at all, or make me be able to do anything I can't now. It makes me sad, not happy. Eliminates any fun time I might have for today, any bit of time that could be spent with friends, or working on a project.

If I died tomorrow, this would probably be a pretty terrible last day of life... Thats depressing. Maybe I'm supposed to enjoy studying, but I don't see how. Its torture. my back hurts, eyes are sleepy, mind wanders elsewhere automatically, I want to do other things, just about anything else, but not this. So I don't know why I'm doing it, other than I want to graduate. I don't even know why I want to graduate. Guess the main thing is that I don't want all this money to be wasted on half a degree, which wouldn't mean anything.

I just want every day to be a great last day, if it has to be. It makes me sad that there have only been a few good last days in the past couple of months.

There are so many things I want to do, but none of them are in the mega huge raging laundry list of things that I'm doing today, tomorrow, or anywhere in the foreseeable future. I don't know why I waste my time on this bullshit, when there's so many things that I could better spend my time on.

Swollen

My heart's so swollen right now. Somebody needs to come and take some of this love off my hands, give me some relief. It hurts its swollen so much. There is so much to give in there, but seems like nobody wants it at the moment. Why not take it though? Is there any reason that people won't? Is it me, or just the circumstance? Or are they the same thing?

I swear you could fill an ocean with everything thats in this heart. These are things that want to be free, to create a surf and lap at the shores of those nearby. Softly but constantly, just enough so that the shores still know the ocean is still there, just enough to keep the shore nice and wet. There's no ocean right now though, its all dammed up. Theres nobody around to open the gates, the whole place seems deserted. I feel like its bound to overflow sometime, but maybe the dam is higher than I think. I just wish I could get some relief. Wish somebody would come along and open up those gates just a little.

Revival

So I haven't posted for a while, and its time to revive this blog. I really like some of the stuff I had written here, hopefully this post will make me proud as well...

They say God is always supposed to be on your mind. Everywhere you go, he's supposed to be right beside you, and everything you do, he's supposed to be the motivation. I don't know if its like that for me. More like love is always on my mind, everywhere I go, everything I do. I think maybe the biggest part of a religion is love. People highlight the heaven and hell part, being saved and sins forgiven and everything. But behind the curtain its just love I think. God's love forgives you, and you ask for forgiveness because you love and care about yourself. Is that wrong? Not quite sure, but I guess I don't really care, because its what I believe.

She was upset a couple of months ago, we all were actually. It was a week after the worst day of my life. The worst day of a lot of peoples lives, in fact. And we were having the religion discussion. Of course this was a discussion about faith, heaven, and nuances of the "religious law." Her complete denial of everything I had to say was not encouraging, actually offended me. I wanted so bad for her to forget about all that, and just understand that its about love, not rules, not forgiveness, not thanksgiving or grace. Not even heaven and hell. Behind all that, dig past all that pretty paint and get to the bare wall underneath, and you find that its a golden wall, shines brighter than anything you've ever seen. Its about love. Thats my understanding. Maybe its not the right one, but I swear she would be happier every day of her life if she understood. You can't make people understand, though. No matter how much you want it, you just get through to some people. So I pray every day that God gets through some how. I can't, I've tried, and only made things worse for her. I don't think its possible for some people to comprehend it, their brains are built for speed instead of thoroughness. Built for the race track instead of the trail. But still I pray, and I'll always pray. Its all you can do sometimes.