We should enjoy yourself in this short little time were given. No day is guaranteed, and tomorrow may never come. So it seems like everybody would be doing their best to just enjoy themselves, have a good time, love people, do things, have experiences, build onto who you are. But instead, people run around stressed out about things that don't even matter. I'm doing it right now. I'm studying for a test that I might not even be alive for tomorrow. Why?

Its not fun, so thats definitely not the reason. It's not going to help me at all, or make me be able to do anything I can't now. It makes me sad, not happy. Eliminates any fun time I might have for today, any bit of time that could be spent with friends, or working on a project.

If I died tomorrow, this would probably be a pretty terrible last day of life... Thats depressing. Maybe I'm supposed to enjoy studying, but I don't see how. Its torture. my back hurts, eyes are sleepy, mind wanders elsewhere automatically, I want to do other things, just about anything else, but not this. So I don't know why I'm doing it, other than I want to graduate. I don't even know why I want to graduate. Guess the main thing is that I don't want all this money to be wasted on half a degree, which wouldn't mean anything.

I just want every day to be a great last day, if it has to be. It makes me sad that there have only been a few good last days in the past couple of months.

There are so many things I want to do, but none of them are in the mega huge raging laundry list of things that I'm doing today, tomorrow, or anywhere in the foreseeable future. I don't know why I waste my time on this bullshit, when there's so many things that I could better spend my time on.

Swollen

My heart's so swollen right now. Somebody needs to come and take some of this love off my hands, give me some relief. It hurts its swollen so much. There is so much to give in there, but seems like nobody wants it at the moment. Why not take it though? Is there any reason that people won't? Is it me, or just the circumstance? Or are they the same thing?

I swear you could fill an ocean with everything thats in this heart. These are things that want to be free, to create a surf and lap at the shores of those nearby. Softly but constantly, just enough so that the shores still know the ocean is still there, just enough to keep the shore nice and wet. There's no ocean right now though, its all dammed up. Theres nobody around to open the gates, the whole place seems deserted. I feel like its bound to overflow sometime, but maybe the dam is higher than I think. I just wish I could get some relief. Wish somebody would come along and open up those gates just a little.

Revival

So I haven't posted for a while, and its time to revive this blog. I really like some of the stuff I had written here, hopefully this post will make me proud as well...

They say God is always supposed to be on your mind. Everywhere you go, he's supposed to be right beside you, and everything you do, he's supposed to be the motivation. I don't know if its like that for me. More like love is always on my mind, everywhere I go, everything I do. I think maybe the biggest part of a religion is love. People highlight the heaven and hell part, being saved and sins forgiven and everything. But behind the curtain its just love I think. God's love forgives you, and you ask for forgiveness because you love and care about yourself. Is that wrong? Not quite sure, but I guess I don't really care, because its what I believe.

She was upset a couple of months ago, we all were actually. It was a week after the worst day of my life. The worst day of a lot of peoples lives, in fact. And we were having the religion discussion. Of course this was a discussion about faith, heaven, and nuances of the "religious law." Her complete denial of everything I had to say was not encouraging, actually offended me. I wanted so bad for her to forget about all that, and just understand that its about love, not rules, not forgiveness, not thanksgiving or grace. Not even heaven and hell. Behind all that, dig past all that pretty paint and get to the bare wall underneath, and you find that its a golden wall, shines brighter than anything you've ever seen. Its about love. Thats my understanding. Maybe its not the right one, but I swear she would be happier every day of her life if she understood. You can't make people understand, though. No matter how much you want it, you just get through to some people. So I pray every day that God gets through some how. I can't, I've tried, and only made things worse for her. I don't think its possible for some people to comprehend it, their brains are built for speed instead of thoroughness. Built for the race track instead of the trail. But still I pray, and I'll always pray. Its all you can do sometimes.

Worth

Is it worth it?
Is it worth the effort to train my mind?
I've always had some passion deep inside me, a goal to change the world for the better one day. I want to be able to say I'm proud when I get old. I want people to be better off because of something I do someday. What it is, I have no clue, won't know until it happens, if it does.

But whatever this thing is, it will come at a cost, it has with everyone who has changed something. It will require years of thinking, doing, keeping the mind and body healthy. All that work, will it pay off one day? Even if it does pay off, is it worth it? Is it worth it even if it doesn't, just to be able to say I tried, is that worth it? It feels so good just to be still, to waste away, but every moment which I do, its more unlikely that anything will ever happen.

I haven't decided if it is worth it yet. Should I try and be great, or just be another joe. I don't know. We'll see...

Circumstance

Will it control you, or is it possible to turn the flop on circumstance? I think people are a result of circumstances. People make decisions based on convenience and appeal under certain circumstances. Maybe something only happened because the circumstances were right. It hurts for me to think this way, but the more I think about it, this is the only conclusion I can draw. People are controlled by circumstances, She was controlled. It was convenient, nice, hot, fun, whatever. But it was all these things under the given circumstances. Now, they've changed, so its no longer all these things, so there's no longer an it... It is no more. It failed to be fun, exciting, everything, so it failed to exist. It was a product of circumstances. I hate that. I thought it was stronger than that. Guess not. I wish it would've been. I hope one day to find an it with a her thats stronger than that.

I wonder if I could pull a flop on the circumstances. I mean, I wonder if its possible. Can circumstances be a product of you, what you do, what you think? Can you create your own circumstances, instead of the circumstances creating you, what you are, what you think? Is it possible? I don't know, it will take some experimentation, maybe a lifetime's worth. Maybe, someday, I might be able to master circumstance, keep them on my side. Could things be different, if I could control the circumstances? Guess its better not to wonder, it will never be that way. Maybe in another life.

Will circumstances shape the life we all live, the way we think, the things we do, or can we create circumstances around us? Could we change a matter of circumstance into a matter of will?

Vibe

I just watched the movie Vanishing Point. Good movie. Didn't see the beginning, but I read about it on Wikipedia. Good movie.

I've been getting this vibe lately, maybe things are culminating into something, maybe the haze is materializing into something discernable. Maybe I'm within fractions of millimeters of breaking the code. Maybe its just another thought in my spaghetti junction, million mile an hour, never-ending, never-stopping, ever-going, ever-pumping, ever-thinking brain. Could this be the white rabbit, maybe, probably not, but maybe. It just might be. I guess it's worth pursuing, cause it might be her. If not, its still worth pursuing, cause it passes the time, its an experience. After watchin' the movie, I realized the haze is turning into something red, green, yellow, orange, psycadellic... Its real beautiful, at least, in theory. I know it could never work, nobody would agree. They've tried it before, it failed. Ken thought he had something, but nobody picked up on it, they failed. I'm sure I will fail too, if I pursue. Maybe its best just to keep it to myself, use the idea, the feeling, the notion whenever possible, but to just keep it locked up, only allow it limited exposure. Ideas can be dangerous, time has proven this fact. Hopefully, this won't hurt anybody, just help people, hopefully a lot of people.

I think its all about love. Not making love, or being in love, but having love. I love a lot of people, my friends, relatives, my ex-girlfriend. I should love more people. I dropped this guy off tonight; gave him a ride from work to a hotel room 5 minutes away. I was real cranky the whole time, and really quite agitated that I had to drive 5 minutes out of my way just to help him out a little. Thats not right man, I owe that guy an apology, an apology for being a jerk. I only helped him cause I felt obligated, there was really no love there.

I tell a lot of people I love them, my relatives, I tell them all. I have never told her that I love her though. Always thought she would take it the wrong way. I wonder a lot if other people have a distinction between "I love you" and "I'm in love with you." I wonder about that a lot, because for me, the latter is a totally different, and scary animal. Unfamiliar territory, haven't broken that code yet, haven't even started really. I guess it doesn't matter now, its all over, I lost her, she's gone. She's still my friend I guess, and I still love her, that is, care enough for her to risk my life, if the opportunity ever arised; with God's blessing hopefully it never will...

But I think love is the thing i'm onto. The hippies, they were right about a few things. They were right about loving each other. I don't know about all the free love and everything like that, a little eccentric I guess, people don't react well to that type of thing. Like I said, I don't think its making love or being in love, but just having love. Having love for everybody. I'd love to be that way. Just like the Lord almighty, I would love to have love for everybody. I think part of it is making love, and at some point, part of it is being in love. That is, hopefully at some point...

On making love... I've been thinking about this a lot in the past couple of days; the mist is still there, but I think I've almost made up my mind on which exit to take, which way to go. Ask me tomorrow and I might have turned around, there's no telling. But right now, I'm feeling this way: I think there's nothing wrong with making love. Love is all good, when two people love each other, or just need the experience. But I think it has to be mutual, and more than physical, much more than just physical. It must be emotional as well. I don't think sex cuts the mustard. Right now I'm feeling that sex is almost lude and unneccessary. Now when I say having sex, I mean just the physical act, where there's no emotion attached. I define making love as sex with some emotional attachment, that comes from a variety of circumstances. I guess I'm a romantic; I'd just like to think that everything has a meaning, that everything means something. I'd like to think that when we made love it meant something. Maybe it didn't. Maybe it didn't to her, although it meant the world to me. That first kiss was just another one down for her, but for me, it was a breakthrough, a pair of nightvision goggles in the dark, a set of ears sensitive as a dogs'.

Maybe I think differently than other people, maybe I think differently than her. I guess so. Maybe she didn't love me. Although I never said it, I loved her, and still do, like the stars in the sky. Not that I was in love, but I had love. I wish more people would have love, real love.

Maybe i'm coming out of the fog, maybe its a new level of haziness I can't yet comprehend. I guess I will find out in due time, what I really decide to believe, and If I can find somebody who believes the same way...

Does she?

Its summer now, no doubt about it. It got up to at least 85 today, and I expect it will do the same tomorrow.

I was riding in a convertible last night. On a long, empty, country road. I looked up and the sky was clear. It was warm, there was no moon, it was beautiful. The wind was licking at the little hairs on my partially exposed arm. I found myself thinking about how glad I am. How glad I am to be alive. How glad I am to be here today, to see this, to feel this, to have my little arm hairs bent backwards by the wind, to see the stars... to be alive. I was just enjoying the bliss of the moment, looking at the endless beauty above me. Then I thought, this is as good as it gets... Almost. The only thing that could have made it better is if she would've been there. That would've been heaven for me. I started thinking, maybe one day, if I own a farm, or some mountain property maybe, I want to lay with her in the grass, or on the bluff all night long. Just lay there and talk. Enjoy each other's company and enjoy the company of the Father and Mother nature. It would be wonderful. There could be nothing better, or if there is, I surely haven't discovered it yet.

I was laying in the hammock the other day, just reading and enjoying the day. There were puffy tufts of white weightlessness flying high, and I was just happy to be alive and enjoying their company. The wind was whipping good, but not too much. I finished my book that day, it was a perfect way to end a book...Almost. It could've only been better if she was there. I thought about that, and, of anybody in the world, I think she is the only one who could've made that day better if she had been there...

What does that mean? Am I obsessed with this girl, or is this all natural. I know she drives me crazy, and I would love love love to see her. But I don't know what this means. And I guess it doesn't mean anything at all unless she feels the same way. There's no good way to ask her, not with this distance. So I must wait, keep quite, and see what happens. But I know how I feel, and I want to try to explain it to her someway, somehow, to explain what I feel.

Maybe I'm a romantic, I just want things to work out. Want to make it through the summer. What to lay with her on a hot summer night and look at the stars. Want to hold her tight as if there were nothing else in the world. Want to love her... But the question is, does she?