Worth

Is it worth it?
Is it worth the effort to train my mind?
I've always had some passion deep inside me, a goal to change the world for the better one day. I want to be able to say I'm proud when I get old. I want people to be better off because of something I do someday. What it is, I have no clue, won't know until it happens, if it does.

But whatever this thing is, it will come at a cost, it has with everyone who has changed something. It will require years of thinking, doing, keeping the mind and body healthy. All that work, will it pay off one day? Even if it does pay off, is it worth it? Is it worth it even if it doesn't, just to be able to say I tried, is that worth it? It feels so good just to be still, to waste away, but every moment which I do, its more unlikely that anything will ever happen.

I haven't decided if it is worth it yet. Should I try and be great, or just be another joe. I don't know. We'll see...

Circumstance

Will it control you, or is it possible to turn the flop on circumstance? I think people are a result of circumstances. People make decisions based on convenience and appeal under certain circumstances. Maybe something only happened because the circumstances were right. It hurts for me to think this way, but the more I think about it, this is the only conclusion I can draw. People are controlled by circumstances, She was controlled. It was convenient, nice, hot, fun, whatever. But it was all these things under the given circumstances. Now, they've changed, so its no longer all these things, so there's no longer an it... It is no more. It failed to be fun, exciting, everything, so it failed to exist. It was a product of circumstances. I hate that. I thought it was stronger than that. Guess not. I wish it would've been. I hope one day to find an it with a her thats stronger than that.

I wonder if I could pull a flop on the circumstances. I mean, I wonder if its possible. Can circumstances be a product of you, what you do, what you think? Can you create your own circumstances, instead of the circumstances creating you, what you are, what you think? Is it possible? I don't know, it will take some experimentation, maybe a lifetime's worth. Maybe, someday, I might be able to master circumstance, keep them on my side. Could things be different, if I could control the circumstances? Guess its better not to wonder, it will never be that way. Maybe in another life.

Will circumstances shape the life we all live, the way we think, the things we do, or can we create circumstances around us? Could we change a matter of circumstance into a matter of will?

Vibe

I just watched the movie Vanishing Point. Good movie. Didn't see the beginning, but I read about it on Wikipedia. Good movie.

I've been getting this vibe lately, maybe things are culminating into something, maybe the haze is materializing into something discernable. Maybe I'm within fractions of millimeters of breaking the code. Maybe its just another thought in my spaghetti junction, million mile an hour, never-ending, never-stopping, ever-going, ever-pumping, ever-thinking brain. Could this be the white rabbit, maybe, probably not, but maybe. It just might be. I guess it's worth pursuing, cause it might be her. If not, its still worth pursuing, cause it passes the time, its an experience. After watchin' the movie, I realized the haze is turning into something red, green, yellow, orange, psycadellic... Its real beautiful, at least, in theory. I know it could never work, nobody would agree. They've tried it before, it failed. Ken thought he had something, but nobody picked up on it, they failed. I'm sure I will fail too, if I pursue. Maybe its best just to keep it to myself, use the idea, the feeling, the notion whenever possible, but to just keep it locked up, only allow it limited exposure. Ideas can be dangerous, time has proven this fact. Hopefully, this won't hurt anybody, just help people, hopefully a lot of people.

I think its all about love. Not making love, or being in love, but having love. I love a lot of people, my friends, relatives, my ex-girlfriend. I should love more people. I dropped this guy off tonight; gave him a ride from work to a hotel room 5 minutes away. I was real cranky the whole time, and really quite agitated that I had to drive 5 minutes out of my way just to help him out a little. Thats not right man, I owe that guy an apology, an apology for being a jerk. I only helped him cause I felt obligated, there was really no love there.

I tell a lot of people I love them, my relatives, I tell them all. I have never told her that I love her though. Always thought she would take it the wrong way. I wonder a lot if other people have a distinction between "I love you" and "I'm in love with you." I wonder about that a lot, because for me, the latter is a totally different, and scary animal. Unfamiliar territory, haven't broken that code yet, haven't even started really. I guess it doesn't matter now, its all over, I lost her, she's gone. She's still my friend I guess, and I still love her, that is, care enough for her to risk my life, if the opportunity ever arised; with God's blessing hopefully it never will...

But I think love is the thing i'm onto. The hippies, they were right about a few things. They were right about loving each other. I don't know about all the free love and everything like that, a little eccentric I guess, people don't react well to that type of thing. Like I said, I don't think its making love or being in love, but just having love. Having love for everybody. I'd love to be that way. Just like the Lord almighty, I would love to have love for everybody. I think part of it is making love, and at some point, part of it is being in love. That is, hopefully at some point...

On making love... I've been thinking about this a lot in the past couple of days; the mist is still there, but I think I've almost made up my mind on which exit to take, which way to go. Ask me tomorrow and I might have turned around, there's no telling. But right now, I'm feeling this way: I think there's nothing wrong with making love. Love is all good, when two people love each other, or just need the experience. But I think it has to be mutual, and more than physical, much more than just physical. It must be emotional as well. I don't think sex cuts the mustard. Right now I'm feeling that sex is almost lude and unneccessary. Now when I say having sex, I mean just the physical act, where there's no emotion attached. I define making love as sex with some emotional attachment, that comes from a variety of circumstances. I guess I'm a romantic; I'd just like to think that everything has a meaning, that everything means something. I'd like to think that when we made love it meant something. Maybe it didn't. Maybe it didn't to her, although it meant the world to me. That first kiss was just another one down for her, but for me, it was a breakthrough, a pair of nightvision goggles in the dark, a set of ears sensitive as a dogs'.

Maybe I think differently than other people, maybe I think differently than her. I guess so. Maybe she didn't love me. Although I never said it, I loved her, and still do, like the stars in the sky. Not that I was in love, but I had love. I wish more people would have love, real love.

Maybe i'm coming out of the fog, maybe its a new level of haziness I can't yet comprehend. I guess I will find out in due time, what I really decide to believe, and If I can find somebody who believes the same way...

Does she?

Its summer now, no doubt about it. It got up to at least 85 today, and I expect it will do the same tomorrow.

I was riding in a convertible last night. On a long, empty, country road. I looked up and the sky was clear. It was warm, there was no moon, it was beautiful. The wind was licking at the little hairs on my partially exposed arm. I found myself thinking about how glad I am. How glad I am to be alive. How glad I am to be here today, to see this, to feel this, to have my little arm hairs bent backwards by the wind, to see the stars... to be alive. I was just enjoying the bliss of the moment, looking at the endless beauty above me. Then I thought, this is as good as it gets... Almost. The only thing that could have made it better is if she would've been there. That would've been heaven for me. I started thinking, maybe one day, if I own a farm, or some mountain property maybe, I want to lay with her in the grass, or on the bluff all night long. Just lay there and talk. Enjoy each other's company and enjoy the company of the Father and Mother nature. It would be wonderful. There could be nothing better, or if there is, I surely haven't discovered it yet.

I was laying in the hammock the other day, just reading and enjoying the day. There were puffy tufts of white weightlessness flying high, and I was just happy to be alive and enjoying their company. The wind was whipping good, but not too much. I finished my book that day, it was a perfect way to end a book...Almost. It could've only been better if she was there. I thought about that, and, of anybody in the world, I think she is the only one who could've made that day better if she had been there...

What does that mean? Am I obsessed with this girl, or is this all natural. I know she drives me crazy, and I would love love love to see her. But I don't know what this means. And I guess it doesn't mean anything at all unless she feels the same way. There's no good way to ask her, not with this distance. So I must wait, keep quite, and see what happens. But I know how I feel, and I want to try to explain it to her someway, somehow, to explain what I feel.

Maybe I'm a romantic, I just want things to work out. Want to make it through the summer. What to lay with her on a hot summer night and look at the stars. Want to hold her tight as if there were nothing else in the world. Want to love her... But the question is, does she?

#*%@

Yes, I'm talking about the word. Probably the most powerful word in the English language. Its so powerful, yet so inviting. You want to say it, you really really want to. You hear it just about everyday, people saying it to other people, sometimes laughingly, other times with more serious intentions. It would feel so natural just to say it, just to spit it out, but I hesitate, I wait and I wait, because its not really true. I tell myself over and over it would be a critical mistake to say it now, while it's not really true. I must wait, wait till' it grows, wait until I'm absolutely certain its true to say it.

You know what I'm talking about??

It would feel so right, so natural, just to say "I love you." Just as a friendly goodbye. I'm tempted every single time, but every time I resist. I don't want to scare her, or be untruthful to myself, because I know it's not really true, not yet anyways... Hopefully someday it will be, maybe with her, maybe with somebody else. I don't know. Its not that I'm in love with her, but that I love her. I love her like I love my best friends, similar to the love I have for my sister. I care about her, maybe more than anybody on this world right now. Thats love, is it not? But I know I'm not in love, because the idea of marriage and spending my life with her still scares me. So I guess I love her, but I'm not in love with her, if that is even possible. I don't know much about these things, I'm what you might call a greenhorn. But I hope I get to say it to her someday, I really hope so...

You Can't Have Nothin'

Nobody ever knows what I mean when I say this. Maybe its a southern thing, or maybe its just a me thing, so let me explain real quick. It means when the world keeps beatin' you down, you can't get ahead no matter how hard you try. Everything you try to get, you are denied. You can't get anything. So no matter how hard you try, you can't have nothing, not even the smallest little thing.

I swear sometimes the world's out to get you. Maybe its God, maybe its just a streak of bad luck, I don't really know. All I know is I can't have nothin' right now. Everything has gone wrong, nothing seems good in the world. I've got one ray of sunshine, but she's so far away she's really faint now, can barely see her, even in the pitch black. It's hard sometimes to carry on. I don't mean I wanna kill myself or anything like that, but its just hard to keep the spirits up when it seems your being denied all the time. I try though, I try to keep my head up, and look at people with a smile. I try to be amiable and nice, even though most of the time now, people just been shootin' me down. It's just tough to have a winning attitude when winning aint even in sight. Winning aint even an option here. It would be a long shot to break even.

I guess I am a romantic, I just want things to work out, I idealize things too much. Say "what if" too much. I daydream too much. I torture myself with the little daydreams and what if's, but I can't help it in the least. I think about things too much, but I can't help it, I like thinking. I like analyzing, remembering, every detail, every feeling. I tried to recognize every detail so that I could remember it all, and I like thinking about it. But it burns, burns deep.

So right now I can't have nothin'. I'm sure some of yall have been there too, and it sucks, wouldn't you agree? But I know it will work itself out, somehow. You can't just have a bad streak like this forever... So I'll look up, see the sky, take a minute, and keep on moving.

Talk with an old friend

The other day I talked for a long time with an old friend. I haven't seen him in quite a while, and it was real good to talk to him again. But he told me one thing that really stuck. He told me he considered himself a romantic. I don't know why, but that stuck with me, and I've been thinking a lot about it. A romantic... he's a super nice guy, and he just wants things to work out. He wants to make the best of things. Wants people to get along, love each other. Wants to find love himself, wants to change things for the better in his own life. Just wants things to work out. I guess I'm the same way, I'd guess just about everybody is too, in some sense. This man is different though, he has dreams. He knows things will work out, just knows it.

I've been thinking a lot about that, mostly because I want things to work out too. Between me and her, I want them to work out. I'm pretty sure they will, I mean I'd like to think of it that way.

I think I'll go talk with my buddy again tonight, just see what he has to say, ya know. I might get something important out of it, ya never know.

I Miss Her

I'm missin' my baby,
Wishin I could play the blues,
Just so I could express how I feel.

You know I heard the other day that Blues is the only genre of music which is truly American. Some would say that is kinda sad, that the only thing the American's can invent musically is moping about how life is so bad. But really, I think the blues is beautiful. I love the harp (harmonica), and the raspy sound of the singers. I think the blues is really about overcoming hardship, not just expressing it. I love the blues.

Right now I got the blues,
The my baby's gone blues,
She's somewhere,
Doin something,
With someone,
But I aint there,
So I aint happy,
Maybe its too much to ask,
But I just wanna hold her.

I never realized how good it felt to hold her until she left. She's not gone for good, just far away for the summer. Her lips, she is so beautiful. Everything about her is beautiful. I told her that, that she was beautiful, and she just shook her head. I said, yea, true story, you are. I wonder if she remembers that, thinks about it as much as I do. I think about it all the time.

I wonder if it should concern me that she doesn't keep track of how long we've been dating. I guess a guy should be happy about that, no two month anniversaries or any bullshit like that. I am kinda happy, but I guess I just can't keep that little peep of pessimism out of my head. You try to kill it all off, but the stubborn little bastard sticks around. Always. But I think its going to be fine, I'm optimistic, but I think we will make it. I guess all I can do is hope. I trust her, she trusts me, I'm pretty sure. I hope we make it.

Sugar Magnolia

I hope I meet her one day.
Just one day, no hurry,
Sugar Magnolia.
Maybe I've already met her,
Maybe its her,
Maybe she's the one,
Could she be?
Is that possible?
Makes me feel pretty damn good sometimes,
It could be,
It is possible.

I won't keep my hopes up just yet though,
I just hope I get to meet her before my time is up,
Hope I don't run to fast,
Run right past her,
Just see her in a blur,
That would be critical,
Code red,
Mistake of a lifetime,
If I missed out on something like that,
Sugar Magnolia.
She's amazing, makes me feel so good,
Hope I get to meet her,
Its a shame I don't already know her,
Or is it?
Am I old enough to recognize her when I see her,
Or to appreciate how she makes me feel?
Maybe its better if I don't meet her for some number of years,
That way I'll be well aged and well seasoned,
Able to truly appreciate the beauty,
The beyond beauty of Sugar Magnolia.
Hope I meet her one day.

Some thoughts

Hey all,

Just was thinking about it all.
By it all, I mean all of it,
The whole thing,
The dirt, roots, trunk, leaves, and sky,
The whole deal.
Its a pretty good deal,
Pretty damn good I'd say.
Thats what I try to remind myself of,
When I'm ridin' high,
And when I'm skulking the bottom,
I try to remind myself that its a good deal.

I'm cruisin' right along, I guess,
Just chillin,
But I should be getting at the meat of it,
The real cream,
Enjoying every minute, second,
Every point in time,
Every immeasurable hair split of time.
Should be recognizing it,
Giving it some credit.
Remembering.

Sometimes it seems like theres not enough power,
Engines running full throttle,
Can't go any faster.
But its just laziness, It can be overcome.
It takes learning, practice, time.
Any veteran of anything can tell you that.
Same with this,
Same with remembering.

Summer's going to be tough,
Regular tires on the sand,
Hope I don't sink right through,
We can make it if we just ease,
Don't floor it, but for God's sake don't stop!
Can't stop, or else you won't get going again,
Floor it and you'll hit bottom for sure,
Just take it easy, workin' the clutch when you can,
Let her do the same,
She will if she's smart,
If she doesn't, maybe she's not worth keeping anyways.

But I want to keep her,
Hope she understands,
How to drive on sand.

She's amazing, to observe,
But even better to experience firsthand.
It's been real fun,
Hope this isn't the end. She's real good.
But she's also a wild animal,
Lord knows she's got a crazy soul.
You can teach a wild dog to not bite you,
Or to come when you yell,
Maybe even to sit down,
But he's still wild,
If he wants to run away, you can't stop him,
He might bite, he might growl,
He's wild, always has been, always will be.

But still you keep him,
He's real nice to have around in the good times,
But when winter hits,
When the cold sets in, freezes everything,
He can make you feel the ice in your heart,
In every artery, vein, ventricle,
Every cavity, scolding with icicles.

I'm treading on thin ice,
I need to calm down,
Keep the heart beating slow,
So the monster won't hear,
The dreaded monster,
He hears all, it seems,
Won't let you have nothin',
He's vicious,
Can break your bones,
Crush you with his fists, or even his ears,
He's a maniac,
Seems nobody gets away,
Maybe I will, just maybe,
Maybe my technique will pay off,
Who knows,
It can't hurt trying,
At least this way, I'm not worse off then I started
Of if I end up worse,
I've learned something for sure.
And you sure as hell can't be worse off if you've learned something.
So I'm gonna keep walking,
Nice and slow,
Just enjoying,
Remembering.
Everything.

Daydream

Today I kept falling asleep in class. I had a little dream each time, sort of half in, half out of sleep. Every time, the dream was about her, in some way or another. Sometimes I'll drift off and then when I realize I have drifted off, I realize that I was just daydreaming about her. Is it obsession, or natural train of thought? I don't know, but it doesn't really matter, I can't help it.

I wish I was pretty ballsie and could just go up and kiss her, but I'm way to scared. There's no telling how she would react, it could go either way, and I'm too stingy to bet all my money on one hand. Maybe with some other girl, that didn't matter as much to me, but not with her. I can't exactly afford to screw it up if I don't catch the Ace.

I'm Tired...

I'm tired of a lot of shit. I'm sorry, but I'm about to let loose, so any young kids out there might want to skip this one. Also sorry for bitching and moaning, but I just feel like it. I'm so tired of some people being around all the damn time. All the time! I can't get away, and it wouldn't be so bad if I could get away, but I can't. I wish I could just spend the evening with her, but he's always there too. Always. And when he's not, I enjoy everything so much more. I guess I'll just have to deal with it, but it really gets on my nerves. All I wanna do is be close to her. He's a good friend, but I bring him EVERYWHERE with me. If she comes home with me, I'm sure I'll have to bring him too, unless I can find someone else, so the car is totally full and there's no room. I know he'll say yes to coming home, just because he's a bastard and doesn't have anything better to do than ruin my time. Not really, that's just the mad in me talking. He just doesn't have anything better to do. I wish he would just shove off for a couple days, just so I can get a break. I need a break. I also need some time alone with her. I should have already sealed the deal, but didn't. I just waited, you know, I'm not to eager anymore, it'll come, I'm not even worried about it.

I hate guitar hero, I hate it when he's around and there's no place to go. And I hate it when he plays guitar hero and sits in the room and there's nowhere for me to go. Nobody's awake. I also hate it when he copies me. One day, I was giving her a massage, and no less than 10 minutes after I was done, he was over there doing the same. I hate that shit. Its petty to say the least. Even if he's not trying to win her over, its still a dick move. I hate that shit.

Ok, I guess I'm done bitching now, sorry for it, but there's no one awake to talk to and I've got to write it somewhere.

One Thing

Don't you hate it when theres only one thing that you really want to do, but thats the only one thing that you really can't do? I hate that. It happens all too often, messes with your head. Its pretty frustrating.

Sometimes

Sometimes I hate people. Not everybody, just certain people, like my roommate, specifically. He's cool and all, its just some things he does. When you live with someone, you will disagree with some things they do, guaranteed. I now know that, after a semester in college. Anyways, we have all the same friends, and he's always around, Always. He stays up late, and I stay up late, as you can tell by the time of this post. The only thing thats worse is that I'm positive he likes the girl that I like. I know he does. It doesn't bother me because he's trying to steal her or anything, because I also know for a fact that she does not return the feeling for him, but more just because he still likes her and he knows I do. I don't know, maybe thats selfish or something, but I don't care. He's always around when we hang out, so I hardly ever get alone time with her. (Just in case you were wondering, this is the same girl from before). Every time he's gone, I get really really happy. I don't think thats just coincidence. It can't be.

It wouldn't be bad if it were just for this year, but I'm pretty sure we're rooming together next year too. I mean I already told him I would room with him, so theres not much I can do. Don't get me wrong, the guy is my friend and all, but its just he's always around, and I know he would love to mac on my girl.

Now that I'm done bitching, I'll try to write a little happy note or something maybe. (By the way, sorry for whining like a little girl, but I sorta had to get it off my chest, and I don't really know anyone that would be up at 4:30 that I would want to talk to.) Um, yea, the happy thing. I just had Waffle House (yes the roommate came) and it was pretty awesome (except for the roommate being there). The waitress gave all of us a free waffle, so I pretty much love her. She's my new favorite. I wish I coulda' tipped her like $50 but I just don't have that kinda dough. Those people work super hard, and at crazy hours of the night, just to serve a bunch of drunk college kids who are usually snobby and not very polite. They deserve much better than the pay they receive, so I'm going to try to tip them as much as I can from now on. They probably have to support a family just on the tips they get from that place. That's really tough, and I figure I'm a little more fortunate, so giving a little extra can't hurt.

Aftermath

It drives me crazy when I start thinking about something. I get something in my head and I can't get it out until I've completely got it figured out. Sometimes that can be weeks or months. Thats the way it was with her. She just got out of a long relationship, so she told me she doesn't want to get back into anything serious, even though she had some feelings for me. It didn't break my heart or anything, its all cool, it just makes my job a little harder. Now, I've got to make her almost desperate for me, and I have no idea how. I guess I'll just keep doing what I've been doing, and hope it works. Hope she starts to like me so much she can't stand not being with me. That would be ideal, but who knows, things never work out according to plan. So I never got another kiss, I still want it. She has such beautiful lips...

Reunion

So I came back to school yesterday and saw all my good friends again, including her. The meeting went well I guess. There was no kiss, and there still hasn't been one, but there were some good hugs. I'm not bummed though, I wasn't really expecting anything spectacular, because if you do, you'll almost always be let down. It was good though, I'm just glad to be back.

Reunion

Its a reunion after 3 weeks. What is she going to do? How will she greet me? I don't think it will be awkward, but who knows. Who knows what will happen? There is one thing thats a guarantee, a hug. She gives out hugs like no other. The question is, will there be a kiss? Its possible, its entirely possible. Is it likely? I really cant tell, theres no way to tell. I don't know what she's thinking, if she's missing me, I have no idea. I'm not going to ask, because that would give away the fact that I miss her. I'm trying to play hard to get here, trying to act like I don't care.

It's just a crush, I'm probably making it sound like something more serious. But if it were something more serious, there would be no doubt about the kiss. We've kissed a couple of times before, both times the last night before I left. I just sorta figured I would leave her to think about it over the holidays. Nothing would make me happier than a kiss. But if we meet in public, I would bet my last last dollar there won't be a kiss. But then again, I am a bettin' man. She's definitely crazy enough to do it, but I sorta doubt it will happen. But if we meet in private, my odds are a lot better. I might just get that kiss after all, who knows.

Its killing me though, not knowing. Anticipation is always the worst part of anything. Honestly, even if a hug is all I get, I would be satisfied with a hug, as long as its a good hug. Thats not even a realistic stipulation, its always a good hug. But a kiss would make it that much better, icing on the cake, so to speak, even though I don't like icing. I'll just have to wait and see, theres never a shortcut, you always have to wait and see.

Either way, it's gonna work out alright. Kiss or no kiss, whether she's been thinking about me or not, it'll turn out fine. Either way, I'm happy cause I've got a good friend.

I go back Tuesday, so I'll keep you posted... :)

8 Principles

Once again, I was just stumbling around, and found this site that really gave me some inspiration. It's kinda corny, but I enjoyed it.

http://www.eightprinciples.com/

Piece of The Rock

I've got no idea why I'm writing about this, but I'll take that as a good enough reason to write about something. In 1977, Mother's Finest released their album "Another Mother Further."



You could say the main hit was Piece of The Rock. It's a great song just talking about how every man wants his piece of the rock, nobody wants to get left behind. Here's the lyrics:

A millionaire lookin’ for another million dollars
A poor man lookin’ for one
A chainstore owner lookin’ for another store
A hungry manlookin’ for a hamburger bone

(Chorus)
Get it get it get it yeah
Get get get get get ooh get it get it get it
Get a piece of the rock

A rock star lookin’ for another million seller
The DJ say you can’t have none
Now go on and play your disco music
I got to rock ’n roll myself all night long

(Chorus)

Give me a piece of luck
Give me some peace of mind
Give me a piece of yours
Now take a piece of mine

Get it get it get it
Get a piece of rock
Get it get it get it
Get a piece of rock
Get it

Mary had a little lamb
With feet just as white as snow
Everywhere that Mary went
You know the lamb should ‘a go go


Anyways, its just a great old song to rock out to. Check it out if you have never heard of it, if you have, rock on!

Tired?

How can I sleep so little and still not be tired? It seems in the past few days that I have only gotten a couple hours a day. I took a nap earlier today, and I'm not tired at all right now. I heard that a study once found that sleeping for a few hours at a time can be much more effective than sleeping for long periods of time, so maybe the naps are keeping me up. So I guess I'll write about my life, maybe...

So last night I was in a hot tub for the entire night. I think we got at the girl's house at like 1 and then got in the hot tub. We didn't get out until 5 am. Probably not a smart decision, we were all pretty dehydrated and had headaches after we got out. No biggie though, nothing a little water couldn't solve. My friend was up pretty much all last night and most of the night before that on aderol. I'm guessing he's going to crash at some point today, the body just can't handle being up that long. One high school student stayed up for 264 hours (about 11 days) for his science fair project, with apparently no permanent damage to his body or mind. I can only imagine what kind of crazy shit he was seeing, hearing etc. near the end of that. I stayed up for like 30 hours or something like that, and was pretty much a zombie, so I can't even imagine 11 days. What I found interesting is that there are people with a variety of mental conditions who barely sleep at all. One condition, Fatal Familial Insomnia (FFI), is actually, as its name implies, fatal. Eventually, the lack of sleep caused by this condition causes many of the body's vital organs to shut down, inevitably causing death.
Anyways, I'm not tired at all right now, and I probably won't take a nap today, so we'll see how I feel later tonight. I'm probably gonna pass out later, but we'll see. A little part of me wants to take aderol to see how long I can stay up, or just for the hell of it. But I'm sort of trying to turn my life around and make smart decisions, so I don't think I'll go through with that. Even though it seems relatively harmless (its just a prescription drug), it's still a bad decision, and will make it easier to make bad decisions in the future, where there may be more at stake than a simple loss of sleep.
I've screwed up too much already it seems. I want to chill and stay out of trouble, but I also want to enjoy myself and have a good time. It seems I can't do both at the same time. The things that I like to do seem to always cause trouble, and the things I want to do are just asking for trouble. Its all the boring stuff thats safe, but it's, well, boring. I'm torn between two extremes. I know I'll just get in trouble if I do anything else thats stupid. It's a given, I have such bad luck that its unavoidable. I'm gonna have to just suck it up and chill for a while, I can't take a chance of really screwing up a good thing.

On a different note, theres a couple of girls...There's always at least one girl that gets your eye, one crush, even if it's just puppy love. The one girl I get along really well with. We have a good time and talk about pretty much everything. She's really open and really touchy, she hugs and stuff all the time. The feeling is mutual with her, I know because when I kissed her, she definitely kissed me back. The other girl is probably just a temporary crush, a fascination I have. We get along really well too, but in a very different way. She doesn't think of me as a prospect at all, just as a friend. That feeling used to be mutual, but now I really just want to kiss her. She's definitely not touchy, with me anyways. If there is ever a hug, I initiate it, always. She's coming to visit me for a couple of nights pretty soon, so I guess we'll see what happens. Its not really like theres gonna be much to see, nothings gonna happen, I know it. I know her too well, and she's not going to to anything. She would probably feel really weird if I kissed her. She hooks up with a lot of guys, but I know she would think its weird if I even tried to make a move. My friends just say go for it, just kiss her. They say what do you have to loose? But really, there's quite a bit at stake here. She is probably my best girl friend (not girlfriend) and it would be weird between us if she knew I liked her and the feeling wasn't mutual. I'm afraid of rejection, really. Thats the root problem here. I'm scared shitless, I don't think I could ever even get the courage to kiss her, for fear of rejection. Unless...unless i was drunk, but I know better than that. If either one of us is drunk, then nobody really knows if it's the person or the alcohol thats talking, or acting in this case. That just adds a whole dimension of confusion and chaos to the mix. If I'm going to do it, its going to have to be sober. I've had this sort of crush on her for a while, and at one point, the word on the street was that she sorta liked me too, but thats long gone, at least I think it is. Oh well, it will all work itself out in time, I'm not worried about it. Either way, life goes on. In the big scheme of things, this, along with just about everything else is no big deal, so theres no need to worry over it.

I'm still not tired, but I think I'll lay down, maybe.